Boy meets Cheap Woman
So, right after this project started, I began dating someone. "Awesome! Now you get free food!" is what you would think. While that is true, it is also harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong, it is great and he is great. But being the 'poor' person in a relationship is not easy. I am a giving person by nature, and love to give gifts and make food, etc. Truth be told, I also really want to look like the perfect girlfriend who cooks perfectly and dresses stylishly. I am having to just be myself, in my ripped jeans and Tshirts. When he asks about work, I am a bit embarrassed, for no reason at all. It is gross to see how I set up this image, now that I don't have it.
I have also always struggled with accepting things and a sense of reciprocation. My reciprocation is small...for his dinners out, I can do a picnic. For his Tuscan porkchops, I can do spaghetti. If he wants free coffee, it is perfect (of course, he doesn't drink coffee!). The caring is there, the money is not.
This pressure is all me, none him. It is bringing up questions of gender roles in my mind. As a woman, I do want to be taken care of and provided for, but as a modern woman, I also want to do it all myself. I was raised thinking that women should be 'low maintenance', and not ask too much. Argh. Being with another person forces you to really look at yourself. As such, doing this project has become unusually unnerving, knowing that he can read this anytime and know my financial state. I refuse to censor myself. Why not let it all out? At this point in my life, I would rather be authentic than live a lie. I have seen too many women try to keep up this charade and get themselves further in debt, only to end up feeling like a fraud. It is an ugly race, and I want out. Would things be easier if I had more money? On the surface, yes. But the same dating fears and challenges would still be there, they just may be more well-dressed than I am!
Well, I am sure that all of you wanted to know about my dating life...sorry! It is yet another aspect of life affected by money and financial choices. I can see why money is the number one stress...it's a bitch.
I have also always struggled with accepting things and a sense of reciprocation. My reciprocation is small...for his dinners out, I can do a picnic. For his Tuscan porkchops, I can do spaghetti. If he wants free coffee, it is perfect (of course, he doesn't drink coffee!). The caring is there, the money is not.
This pressure is all me, none him. It is bringing up questions of gender roles in my mind. As a woman, I do want to be taken care of and provided for, but as a modern woman, I also want to do it all myself. I was raised thinking that women should be 'low maintenance', and not ask too much. Argh. Being with another person forces you to really look at yourself. As such, doing this project has become unusually unnerving, knowing that he can read this anytime and know my financial state. I refuse to censor myself. Why not let it all out? At this point in my life, I would rather be authentic than live a lie. I have seen too many women try to keep up this charade and get themselves further in debt, only to end up feeling like a fraud. It is an ugly race, and I want out. Would things be easier if I had more money? On the surface, yes. But the same dating fears and challenges would still be there, they just may be more well-dressed than I am!
Well, I am sure that all of you wanted to know about my dating life...sorry! It is yet another aspect of life affected by money and financial choices. I can see why money is the number one stress...it's a bitch.
1 Comments:
I have been thinking a LOT lately about how, as a "strong, independent, twenty-something woman," I don't NEED a man to rescue me. I can do it on my own.
However, I am still a sucker for chivalry, for a man who wants to be my super hero, for the reality that I CAN'T do everything on my own.
And that has nothing to do with money, but it too can be a hard reality to face. At least for me.
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