I am in trouble. Financial trouble. I have been ignoring it for a long time, but now the time has come to face it. When we started this project, our goal was to unearth our shame, habits, etc. However, now that it is happening, I want to run. Run fast, run hard. For the past year I have been skating by on my savings, barely. They have run out. I am looking at next month wondering how to pay my bills. I was slowly climbing my way out of debt, with a year long plan and a spreadsheet and that is also over. Hello minimum payments.
Debt and overspending runs in my family. both of my parents have declared banktrupcy and I think that my father recently lost his house. I grew up thinking that we had money. We didn't, we just had credit it seems. I wasn't taught to save, I don't really know how. If we got into trouble, my grandparents bailed us out. After they divorced, I realized the state we/they were in. With college ahead, I took out loans. Got a job, and, unfortunatly, my first credit card. I was not spend happy in college, but my jobs did not pay for rent, food and gas. So, a lot went on the cards. It would be easy for me to blame the folks for this (and sometimes I do), but truth be told, I knew that it was a bad idea, I just didn't know what else to do. After college, I got a "good" job, and started getting rid of this. Then the pressure of the fashion industry took over, and instead of paying down debt, I bought clothes. drinks. dinners out. A new couch. I told myself that at least my debt wasn't getting bigger. What an idiot. Why is it that young, professional women, the ones who are making the least in the professional world, face the most pressure. Look good, throw dinner parties, new shoes, great apartment, cool car, perfect hair. It is gross! But I succumbed. By the time I realized that i didn't belong in the Fashion industry, my debt hadn't moved much. And still hasn't.
So now I am looking at the debt as well as current bills. It makes my stomach turn. At first working at a job like Starbucks was fun and much needed. Now I am not sure. Do I go back to Corporate America, or do I work it out. How much is my soul and my happiness worth? 30K? 50K? 80K?
I am not sure, but now is the time to start looking. My boyfriend just said, "why don't you sell your computer?". I looked at him like he was crazy. No myspace, cheap women, email? Then I realized that I am the crazy one. Why don't I? Sell my car? Because I don't actually want to change, I just want everything else to change. It is weak, and irresponsible. All of this I know. What I don't know is how to change it. I am not even tithing (something I feel strongly about), but I eat organic food and drive a Mini. Something is screwed up here. I think it's me. I used to pray that God would help me figure out my finances. Now I am starting to pray that he will help me figure out my idols.
Whew...This is hard. But good. Like most things that end up being worth it are.