Last night I woke up in a panic. I realized, at 3 am, that in the next 10 days I have to: pay rent $505, renew my car tag $137, refill my meds $60...and I think I have about $550 to do it with. Let's not forget my car note $295. Yikes. What about food, and gas?
This past year has taught me that I can live on less, and that being broke isn't that hard...especially when you are living off of your savings from when you weren't broke. Alas, that money has run out. I knew it would, I guess I just hoped for a miracle. Or I just ignored it. So, it is time to start living within my means. I am not sure I know how to do that.
What do you do when you have committed yourself to more than you can afford (car, rent, etc)? When I acquired these things, I was making significantly more, and assumed that I would continue to. That is not the case. Credit can be a good thing (helping small businesses get started, buying a home, student loans), but it can also be false hope. Life can change, and finances change along with it.
We are a society living on credit. Chasing a dream. Putting on a pretty dress and hoping that we will be invited to the 'party'. We love debt, we love the American Dream. What is this dream? To keep movin' on up? Why, what is so great about it up there? The government encourages us to spend to in the name of the 'economy'. How is my spending money going to be a signal to terrorists, or other governments? If anything (and this is all my opinion), it makes us more ridiculous. Our cars and houses are bigger, our appetites are unprecedented. We are ridiculous. This year has had an unprecedented number of home foreclosures. This is a great example of how we operate. During the 'housing boom', interest rates were low, and this enabled folks to buy homes, some just getting a house, others upgrading. Those interest rates have nearly doubled and many, many people cannot afford the mortgage that this hike has cost. so, they are losing their homes. It is all over the country, but worse in the South. Who is to blame? The bankers, for giving loans that are out of people's means? The government for not regulating? The people who thought this was their ticket to happiness? I think it is choice D: All of the above. It is a societal sickness, and I have caught the bug.
I am not sure how to fix it, but I am trying. Downgrading. Realizing that mugs and pretty things, and name brands will not change who I am. They are temporary comforts in a broken world. At the end of the day, the people who truly love me will do so regardless of my apartment and food and wardrobe.
So, I have no idea how to pay my bills this month. No idea at all. This panic is an eye opener. I have got to change my ways and soon.

Job search update: Had a phone interview with a buying office in town. Will be great for the job. Waiting to see if/WHEN they call back.

Special thanks to the Carrigan/Threadcrafts for allowing me to sit on their porch and use the internet. Great neighbors and Friends. Happy Birthday Old Man Threadcraft!!

Here are some pics of my new cheap women life. Brace yourselves...it is pretty sad.




My box of receipts. So many more than I had hoped to have. Bad habits die hard...




Box of free freeze dried food I received as a cheap women gift. Dried eggs with onions anyone? yummy. I will let you know how it goes. I am planning a 'box dinner party'!



Broken pastries equals breakfast...does this lemon loaf count as a fruit serving?

Hope this cheap living pictorial guide helped. See you Saturday!

Everyone keeps asking: What is Cheap Women? So, I thought I would talk about what I think it is, now that we are a month in.

At first glance, it seems to be nothing more than a contest between friends. While it is that, it is so much more (that may be one of the cheesiest things I have ever typed). It is about looking at how we spend our money, and what we thing are 'needs'. Not spending money is one part of it, but the intent is actually not to stop spending. It is to identify what in our lives is truly worth spending on, knowing that we must choose. Gone are the days of spending money we do not have, in order to have things we want as well as spend on things that are actually important. If not spending money was the point, we would have made this for only a week, or month (where we know we can be successful!). Instead, we did 4 months, a chunk of time big enough to force us to make real changes, changes that will hopefully stick. Not enough time to get out of debt, but enough time to take a good, LONG, hard look at it, and hopefully come up with a plan.
I don't want to only take from people in this time. I want to give, but in more meaningful ways. I can't buy you a fun Tshirt, or take you to dinner (or go with you to dinner), but I can sit outside with you. Make you something. Have you to my house for apple juice and a movie. I can chip in and we can cook something cheap and fun together. Want to get free coffee and sit in a bookstore?...I am your woman. I do NOT want you to buy me things, I want you to still love me even though I am broke and can't do 'fun' (read: expensive) things with you.
So, to sum up (because I like for things to be nice and neat in the end):
This is about imagination and honesty. About giving, but not going into debt to do it. Deciding what is truly important and discerning my needs from my wants.
And about cool merch and a hip website, of course!

I am free! Free from the need of things! Free from my consumeristic tendancies! Free from cultural pressures!
I wish.
But I did find $45 in my glove box this week. Yeah being forgetful!!
I don't really have too much to say. This week I did not spend very much. Still on the juice kick. Scott is also joining in the cheap fun...inventive ways to eat for cheap and bookstore dates. We are on vacation, and so far I have spent $6 on grade D Taco Bell meat. Yippee! (to spending $6, NOT on spending it at Taco Bell). This vacation has been cheap and fun. Meeting friends, laying in the sun, reading, talking to Carrie (free weekend minutes...), browsing Fresh Market, generally relaxing. No expensive souvenirs, museum fees, overpriced meals, new outfits for the new person I will be when I return... Just good times together. I think I enjoy it more. We are forced to spend time talking and hanging out. Our wallets and relationship are basking in this glory. All of my relationships have benefitted from this fast of sorts.

Special Thanks to Kelly and Ella Kate for the box of free astronaut food! And the flower.

also:
Scott-food and books to be read
Allison and Liz- beer and salmon
Starbucks Crestline- breakfasts (many, many breakfasts)
Kat- leftover chinese
Brad- Panera bagel
Chris- pizza

Stay tuned next week for reviews on homemade granola (is it worth it?) and a liquid/vitamin fast.

WARNING: This post is not well thought out, so is going to be rambly and possibly incoherant. I just ask that you stay with me. Hopefully when this is all over, we will be somewhere together.
I have decided that it may be time to find a new job. I love Starbucks, and what it allowed me to do for the past year. I found myself again, and rediscovered who I am. One of the things I have discovered is that I am in debt. I still don't necessarily know what I want to do when I grow up, but i know that right now I need money. So, I am on the hunt. I used to be an Assistant Buyer, so the business world seems a good place to start. I will keep you updated. I have to admit...this is scary. I am afraid of who I may become again by doing this. Will I succumb to the pressures of 'looking the part'? Will the cubical lighting suck my soul (by the way, I do think that flourescent lighting does something to your psychie that no other lighting is capable of)? This past year has been wonderful, and I don't regret it for a second, but I know that it is time to end. It was a sabbatical, a respite for me to regain a sense of myself and my place.
A lot of things are chnnging in my life, and it is good. I feel like I am stronger and ready to face what is out there. I needed to get away from it because it was weakening me. Before this break, I was too weak to face my financial status, or the fact of what my life really was (messy family, relational problems, a need for a creative outlet). I feel refreshed and strong. That to stay where I am would be taking the easy way out, out of fear and laziness. It would also be cheating myself and not using my strengths. Spitting in the face of what God has given me. In other words, not being true to me.
If this past year has taught me anything (besides how to properly cross hatch on a caramel macchiato), it is that being true to myself and trusting God are all I've got,and I can't compromise on either.

Apparently, Cheap Women is working. I find myself scoffing at the idea of buying things. "A new T shirt...why on earth? I have already got 50+", "$10 for meal, are you nuts? PB and Honey is free at my house", "$4 for a BEER? Seriously, that is nuts!". I also find myself looking around my apartment, appalled at the crap I have bought. Why oarth must I by every book that I want to read? Shoes, good Lord, I have WAY too many. It kind of makes me sick.
Not a long post today kids, sorry. No existential crises to work through this early...

tip of the day: find a juicer at a thrift store. Scott has one, and we have been using it like crazy. For $5, we made tons of juice, and it was fresh and delicious...with no preservatives or sweeteners. Plus, it is fun to make. We made more than the amount of juice in those hip Naked Juice bottles, for less than the price of 2! I have seen them at thrift stores for under $10...a very worthy investment.
Cheap Love to all!!!

My Screenplay won!!!! Allow me to explain. In July, Carrie and other friends of ours did this crazy thing called Script Frenzy. We each wrote our own feature length screenplay in 30 days. I loved it, so I decided to keep doing it. Well, in August another friend and I decided to enter the Screenwriters Challenge, a pretty big deal contest in which you are given a genre and topic and have one week to write a short. I paid my money, and plunged in. I just got the results today, and I won 4th place in my heat. This is a big deal to me! Many, many writers spend a long time trying to get screenplays read and many enter these things multiple times and never see any results. I won on the first try.
The reason I am writing about this (besides obviously the bragging), is that THIS is why I am working at Starbucks. To have time to discover these things about myself. I had been sort of thinking about going to film school and, honestly, this is a huge push in that direction. I probably never would have discovered this talent had I not given myself the freedom to take chances. Also screenprint. I gave that a shot and loved it. Now I have folks (ok 2 people) commissioning me to make T's and paying me to do it! That is worth the struggle and poverty. Some people think I was/am stupid to work this job, and try these things. To them I say..."I won a contest, Bitch!". J/K. But it is nice to have the time and energy to explore my interests and talents. I know so many people who have not done this, and wih that they had. Not for me, suckers. I may be poor, but I am happy!

btw-you will be able to see it on Monday at www.nycmidnight.com listed as a winner in heat 30. You can't read the whole thing, but it will show the logline.

So, right after this project started, I began dating someone. "Awesome! Now you get free food!" is what you would think. While that is true, it is also harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong, it is great and he is great. But being the 'poor' person in a relationship is not easy. I am a giving person by nature, and love to give gifts and make food, etc. Truth be told, I also really want to look like the perfect girlfriend who cooks perfectly and dresses stylishly. I am having to just be myself, in my ripped jeans and Tshirts. When he asks about work, I am a bit embarrassed, for no reason at all. It is gross to see how I set up this image, now that I don't have it.
I have also always struggled with accepting things and a sense of reciprocation. My reciprocation is small...for his dinners out, I can do a picnic. For his Tuscan porkchops, I can do spaghetti. If he wants free coffee, it is perfect (of course, he doesn't drink coffee!). The caring is there, the money is not.
This pressure is all me, none him. It is bringing up questions of gender roles in my mind. As a woman, I do want to be taken care of and provided for, but as a modern woman, I also want to do it all myself. I was raised thinking that women should be 'low maintenance', and not ask too much. Argh. Being with another person forces you to really look at yourself. As such, doing this project has become unusually unnerving, knowing that he can read this anytime and know my financial state. I refuse to censor myself. Why not let it all out? At this point in my life, I would rather be authentic than live a lie. I have seen too many women try to keep up this charade and get themselves further in debt, only to end up feeling like a fraud. It is an ugly race, and I want out. Would things be easier if I had more money? On the surface, yes. But the same dating fears and challenges would still be there, they just may be more well-dressed than I am!

Well, I am sure that all of you wanted to know about my dating life...sorry! It is yet another aspect of life affected by money and financial choices. I can see why money is the number one stress...it's a bitch.

I am in trouble. Financial trouble. I have been ignoring it for a long time, but now the time has come to face it. When we started this project, our goal was to unearth our shame, habits, etc. However, now that it is happening, I want to run. Run fast, run hard. For the past year I have been skating by on my savings, barely. They have run out. I am looking at next month wondering how to pay my bills. I was slowly climbing my way out of debt, with a year long plan and a spreadsheet and that is also over. Hello minimum payments.
Debt and overspending runs in my family. both of my parents have declared banktrupcy and I think that my father recently lost his house. I grew up thinking that we had money. We didn't, we just had credit it seems. I wasn't taught to save, I don't really know how. If we got into trouble, my grandparents bailed us out. After they divorced, I realized the state we/they were in. With college ahead, I took out loans. Got a job, and, unfortunatly, my first credit card. I was not spend happy in college, but my jobs did not pay for rent, food and gas. So, a lot went on the cards. It would be easy for me to blame the folks for this (and sometimes I do), but truth be told, I knew that it was a bad idea, I just didn't know what else to do. After college, I got a "good" job, and started getting rid of this. Then the pressure of the fashion industry took over, and instead of paying down debt, I bought clothes. drinks. dinners out. A new couch. I told myself that at least my debt wasn't getting bigger. What an idiot. Why is it that young, professional women, the ones who are making the least in the professional world, face the most pressure. Look good, throw dinner parties, new shoes, great apartment, cool car, perfect hair. It is gross! But I succumbed. By the time I realized that i didn't belong in the Fashion industry, my debt hadn't moved much. And still hasn't.
So now I am looking at the debt as well as current bills. It makes my stomach turn. At first working at a job like Starbucks was fun and much needed. Now I am not sure. Do I go back to Corporate America, or do I work it out. How much is my soul and my happiness worth? 30K? 50K? 80K?
I am not sure, but now is the time to start looking. My boyfriend just said, "why don't you sell your computer?". I looked at him like he was crazy. No myspace, cheap women, email? Then I realized that I am the crazy one. Why don't I? Sell my car? Because I don't actually want to change, I just want everything else to change. It is weak, and irresponsible. All of this I know. What I don't know is how to change it. I am not even tithing (something I feel strongly about), but I eat organic food and drive a Mini. Something is screwed up here. I think it's me. I used to pray that God would help me figure out my finances. Now I am starting to pray that he will help me figure out my idols.
Whew...This is hard. But good. Like most things that end up being worth it are.

So, I have been 'borrowing' internet from a friend. Well, actually I pay him a nominal amount each month and he gives me his password. Well, he is moving. Now what? Pay for internet?! I don't think so. (Or at least I hope not) I am just going to have to get creative. I haven't yet figured out how, but I am on the case.
ANYWAY, if my posts are short and sweet for a little while that is because I am at the library, or sitting in my car outside of a place with WIFI. (That is what I did this morning before work at 5:15, yes 5:15....I am a dedicated cheap woman). Or perhaps I will have guest bloggers. Who knows. Just remember, this setback will not last and I will be back soon!

I already miss my long, wordy blogs...

Well, I am pretty proud of myself. Besides bills, I have only spent $3 since this started. The bills are another story (as in the story of my entire paycheck!). Normally, I would have spent all of my tips on food, magazines and beer. I feel emboldened, brave, cool.
However, I am meeting a boys parents this weekend, so let's hope I can stay strong. I don't need a new parent-approved outfit...right? right. I am just as cool in my existing clothes, and trust me, there is no shortage of those.

oh, and check out this site about free stuff. I joined and it is pretty cool. It is called Freecycle and you can find it here.

Adios friends! Spend less, love more, Just say No!!

Retail therapy...you don't realize how much you depend on it until it is gone. This morning I woke up with a stomach full of liquor and regret (don't worry Mom, it is not what you think!). Not a lot of regret, just a tinge. Enough to make me want to go buy something. Anything. Something that will make me into a different person. Cooler, less pathetic, nicer, prettier, etc. Unfortunatly, I can't. Instead I have to sit in my shame/loneliness/pain/insecurities. That is much harder. But it feels more authentic. I always seem to walk out of the shop feeling like a fool, knowing that my issues and still around, now they are just dressed up in a new Tshirt. Today, instead,I went and sat on a college campus quad with 2 dear friends and had a picnic. Each of us is battling our own demons, so we sat together. We talked some, laughed some, but mainly just enjoyed the company. The knowledge that we are all carrying our crosses and sometimes we just need someone to help us out.
(I know that this is not directly related to money, but it is truly amazing what thinking about how you spend your money forces you to look at in your life).
I didn't end up with a new shirt, or a new book that will help me be different...but I did end up with a sense of belonging. A sense that I don't need new things, I sometimes just need a new place to sit in town. And good friends to sit with me. You can't buy that at any mall I have been to.

End of Day 2 update:
Money spent in 2 days : $0
Number of tickets recieved : 1
Number of times I have kicked myself for not renewing my registration: 30+

That's right folks. Day 1, on the way to see a friend play a free show at a coffee house, I was pulled over. The first thing I said (well, the first coherent thing after a string of muttered expletives) was "Not on Day One!". I was not speeding, not driving erratically, I was simply driving with an expired tag. Here is why: I could not afford to get my tag renewed. That is one of the hardest things about living paycheck to paycheck...you have no margin for error. I can scrape by, as long as my expenses stay pretty much the same. Add a bill for $139 and I am screwed. So, I did what I always do; I ignored it. I talked my way out of tickets, I pleaded with cops with tears glistening in my eyes, shamelessly. Then it caught up with me. This one was not letting me sweet talk my way out. What?! Doesn't he know how it works? I keep doing this until i can afford the tag. He did however, allow my until Oct to renew my tag and put a note on the ticket that he recommends throwing it out if I comply. So, it is not as bad as it could be.

Unfortunatly, I still don't know how to pay for the tag. It is things like this that undo me, make me realize that maybe this lifestyle is not for me. Perhaps I should swallow and go back to the corporate grind I left behind. Why not? I was good at it, successful, made good money. Here is the reason...I did not like who I was. I recently told someone when they asked why I left (this question comes up alot) that I felt like I had lost my soul. He replied (rather charmingly) "Have you gotten it back?". That stopped me. "Yes" I told him, surprised and pleased that I meant it. I HAVE gotten it back, and I intend to keep it. Being broke is hard, but waking up every morning feeling that I was contributing to all the things I believe are wrong with society was harder.

Things like tickets are going to keep happening, and living without any margin for error is hard, stressful and at times seems ridiculous. What I do have is my soul back, my feeling that while what I am doing may not be saving lives, it is probably not outright hurting them. Finances: no margins, Soul: intact.